As she lay dying in her hospital bed, my aunts and uncles lined her room. They were appropriately tearful and somber taking turns holding her hand and reminiscing. To me, it just seemed like any old family gathering. Except Great Granny\u2019s eyes were closed the whole time and she was silent, except for her breathing. I had barely known the woman and had little to no understanding of death at that age. So, I just stood there with my head bowed, silently looking down at the institutional green tiles on the floor. I didn\u2019t understand why all the adults were sad, but I tried to mirror their somber mood.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row content_placement=”middle”][vc_column width=”2\/3″][vc_column_text]Afterwards, my sister and I ran to the grocery store with my dad. As we were walking across the King Soopers parking lot holding hands, my dad explained the finality of death. As we entered the store to purchase milk for the week, I learned that once Great Granny died we would never, ever see her again until we joined her in heaven. My heart froze. Not at the loss of our family matriarch. Instead, I thought of myself — the baby of the family \u2013 suddenly alone. I found myself thinking of that inevitable and dreadful day when my siblings and parents (who were all older than me) would die. Thus, leaving me all alone on this great, big, rotating rock.<\/p>\n
Sensing something was off, my Dad asked what I was thinking. When I told him about my concerns, he just laughed. He further explained that life wasn\u2019t a finite process, ending on a specific date and time. We don\u2019t all die at a certain age. \u201cNo,\u201d he said, \u201cwe could all go at any time.\u201d[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][vc_column width=”1\/3″][vc_column_text]\n
Fortunately for my 6-year-old self, the existential crisis soon passed and was replaced with more age-appropriate concerns, such as whether or not my sister would share her Hawaiian Fun Barbie doll with me. That\u2019s not to say that I didn\u2019t still have questions. For example, my family still loved to tell the story of me at Delilah\u2019s funeral.<\/p>\n
Being the good Catholics that we are, we held her funeral in a church. Her body was put on display in an open casket. She was clothed in her favorite, blue dress with tiny white flowers, surrounded by floral arrangements at the altar. I watched from my pew as friends and family respectfully filed past her. They would kneel, say a silent prayer, make the sign of the cross, before standing and allowing the next in line to do the same.
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Now, as a hospice nurse and mother of 3 school-aged children, my kids are exposed to concepts like \u201cfunerals\u201d and \u201cdeath\u201d a lot more than I ever was at their tender ages of 8 years, 6 years and 2 years old.\u00a0 I appreciate how painful death and dying can be for adults to process emotionally and spiritually.\u00a0However, if those same adults think that the small children in the room don\u2019t understand or will even remember a loved one\u2019s death, I\u2019m here to tell you, you\u2019re wrong.<\/span>[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]This all looked and felt very different from the nursing home visit to me. It was a lot more ritualistic and the adults all seemed to know what they were supposed to do. Great Granny\u2019s eyes were still closed. However, there was no longer the subtle rise and fall of her chest to detect any breathing. And her skin. It was so weird. She had a pale, almost waxy appearance. I thought she looked more like a doll than a person. All the grown-ups around me were still sad. A few of the women had stuffed partially-used Kleenex into their sleeves and had traces of mascara running down their faces. Before the mass started, the church was silent except for the occasional nose-blow.<\/p>\n Now, as a hospice nurse and mother of 3 school-aged children, my kids are exposed to concepts like \u201cfunerals\u201d and \u201cdeath\u201d a lot more than I ever was at their tender ages of 8 years, 6 years and 2 years old. I appreciate how painful death and dying can be for adults to process emotionally and spiritually. However, if those same adults think that the small children in the room don\u2019t understand or will even remember a loved one\u2019s death, I\u2019m here to tell you, you\u2019re wrong.<\/p>\n Though I am not a trained psychologist, based on my personal experiences I can offer the following advice when talking to your school-aged kids and grandkids about death:[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Say the words<\/b><\/p>\n While kids develop at different paces, most can understand the concept of death between 5-7 years.\u00a0 So, when talking to children in this age range or older, be sure to use the words \u201cdeath\u201d or \u201cdead.\u201d\u00a0 Don\u2019t avoid them or make them taboo.\u00a0 Saying things like \u201cpassing away\u201d or \u201cmoving on\u201d are poetic, but open to interpretation.\u00a0 Using them in place of saying \u201cGreat Granny died\u201d only confuses and complicates the grieving process for everyone.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/span>Open Up<\/b><\/p>\n It\u2019s okay to be honest and explain the finality of death to small kids. Just allow for a two-way conversation about it.\u00a0Remember that if my dad had closed the door on our discussion on the way to the grocery store, who knows how long I would have gone on believing my family was all going to die before me.\u00a0These discussions can really assist to flush out any misinformation and clarify your cultural or spiritual beliefs,\u00a0not to mention assuage any fears based on falsehoods.<\/span><\/p>\n Include them<\/b><\/p>\n Bring your kids to the death bed or funeral home and allow them to participate in the grieving process.\u00a0 Remind them that it\u2019s not play time. However, if they can be respectful, it makes them feel like a valued member of your family and helps them understand why you\u2019re sad and crying.\u00a0 Also, it\u2019s okay to cry in front of small kids. It\u2019s completely healthy for adult men and women to cry in front of their children when a loved one dies.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Exposure to death and dying is inevitable. But how we approach, talk about, and explain the process, makes all the difference in what positive and negative associations are created.<\/span><\/p>\n Read more hospice stories on our hospice blog<\/a> Most children can understand the concept of death between 5-7 years. Here’s a quick guide on how to talk to children about death.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":9408,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-785","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-blog"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/matrixbricks.us\/suncrest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/785","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/matrixbricks.us\/suncrest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/matrixbricks.us\/suncrest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/matrixbricks.us\/suncrest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/matrixbricks.us\/suncrest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=785"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/matrixbricks.us\/suncrest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/785\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":791,"href":"https:\/\/matrixbricks.us\/suncrest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/785\/revisions\/791"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/matrixbricks.us\/suncrest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/9408"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/matrixbricks.us\/suncrest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=785"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/matrixbricks.us\/suncrest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=785"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/matrixbricks.us\/suncrest\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=785"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nPlease feel free to contact us<\/a> with any questions regarding hospice care<\/a>[\/vc_column_text][vc_empty_space][\/vc_column][\/vc_row]\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"